Rev Up the Romance

If you have been in a relationship for more then a couple of years, you know that long term relationships tend to ebb and flow. Desire and passion do not occur spontaneously, but rather romance and sexuality have to be more of a deliberate and intentional effort. Relationship experts claim that spontaneous romance and lust last about nine months — give or take. In fact, all long term relationships need some TLC, and without the extra care, partners can get comfortable and a relationship can become stale. But no worries. Cotton Candy contributor and relationship expert Irina Firstein  shares several ways to give your relationship the boost it needs to keep going and going and well, going.

No. 1 Remember when you first met your partner? Think back to that time, when you and your loved one were first dating. What attracted you to him? Think about how you felt when you were madly in love and couldn’t wait to see each other. The point here is to really try to focus on the feelings you felt then as well as how and where these feelings felt in your body. To intensify these feelings and sensations, focus on them with your eyes closed and tap on your knees alternating from left to right knee. By doing this, the exercise should help intensify the feelings and body sensations and make them more accessible.

No.2 One of the most deadly things to a relationship is taking your partner for granted. We tend to forget our significant other in the rush of daily life. Stop and really go out of your way to show tenderness, appreciation, love and kindness to your partner. Make an extra effort to make him feel special and important. Promise you, it will go a long  way.

No. 3 Another important feature of your early relationship dynamic is the conversation. Remember when you two first met how you both talked a lot, perhaps for hours at a time. You had much interest in what your loved one had to say and readily showed it. In the beginning of a relationship, there is generally a lot of interest in every aspect of each other’s life. All too often, after a period of being in a relationship this interest goes out the window. Make a point to talk, ask questions and be interested in what is being said.  Listen and care about ideas and feelings being expressed. Besides the fact that this is what people who love each other do, it’s very attractive to have someone interested in you and what you have to say.

No. 4 Keep things interesting. It is energizing to a relationship to try new things. It brings a sense of adventure and newness to a relationship. Try new activities together and separately. Go to new places, go out with new people, and don’t be afraid to try new and exciting ways to explore together. New things create a spark, and we know the simplest spark can create a roaring fire that burns. What you do doesn’t have to be something overly expensive or exotic. Just break up the routine.

No. 5 Another secret of exciting and vital relationships is the element of surprise. If we really think back to the beginning, there were usually surprises which added to excitement and desire. In the beginning, surprises happen spontaneously and a lot. As time passes, they cease to happen. Think outside the box and do something different. Make a different dish, buy a new dress, and then surprise your partner. Impulsively give flowers, make surprise dinner reservations, book unexpected weekend trips, give a card or gift for no reason at all.  All of these suggestions will do wonders to spark romance and desire.

No. 6 It is important not only to take turns initiating sex, but also spontaneously touching, caressing and kissing your partner. Think of unexpected ways to show your interest. Sexual intimacy is crucially important in a relationship, and it is one of the pertinent elements that holds you together. Physical intimacy should make your relationship different then all others. The more emotional intimacy your relationship has, the more physical intimacy you want to have, and eventually, it takes on a momentum of its own. It is healthy to think about sex and keep sexy thoughts in the forefront of your mind. It will help you keep it closer to the top of your priorities. If you are a couple with kids, it is crucially important to have private time, such as a weekend getaway.

For more than 20 years Irina Firstein, LCSW, has worked with individuals and couples to help them find deeper and more satisfying connections with themselves and in their relationships. Along with being a contributing writer for numerous publications, Firstein has been featured on several broadcast networks, including CBS and NBC.